Thursday, August 31, 2006
this is my millionth and first post detailing how 'i give up' and how 'being a good person is so damn hard'. but i really am about to stop trying. then maybe i can stop whining and stop being angry. damn sian, you know. wow i really need to swear. please. give me a break, even if my second best isn't good enough.sometimes one just cannot win. of course i'm trying to be funny using 'one', OK?
evelyn at 8:07 PM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
hello! now that i'm home after a long, long day and seeing through scratch-free lenses, i can also breathe and feel a little emotional. bye shoo! i menat to say, bye shoo., but that looks a little miserable. i want to say more to you and a note would better serve the purpose than this space, except i can't write you anything because then we might be sad. smile! with that many neckchains and headbands of every visible colour, even the french winter can't be too bleak, right?***
also realised one morning over the nuttiest shake that it sucks not being able to accompany friends through the exciting phases they're moving into.
-
i hesitated to put this down last night because it sounded too presumptuous and mushy, but i can't help the reluctance to leave this season of newly-minted friendships behind. i know i'm only in the periphery, but what's hard just is! this morning: ran to our recordings, my heart skipped many beats and i broke out in cold sweat, but i'd do it again, just for the goosebumps. to feel the anxiety of hurrying pamugun (this naturally does wonders for pace) and the redoubled efforts to keep it steady, for tenebrae, chiefly goosebump-inducing and of course, tu es. To us. (sorry i only like those few)
Anyway. yeah, i get it now, this is family. some of us are distant cousins, others closer by engagement, everybody pisses everybody else off but we still dine together, and eventually some just have to fly the coop, perhaps for a while, perhaps to roost elsewhere. it's cool.
***
from one adventure to the next! my laptop's running out of space for photographs, will soon have to sort old pictures out to hopefully make room for the others. yay.
evelyn at 4:40 AM
Monday, August 21, 2006
nope, am not lamenting messy organizer and messier life, that i've thought aloud about often enough. the pages in the last few months have been shocking in their well-behaved occupation. today i stare at my week in dismay - my priorities are wrong, all wrong!(XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX - these are angry red crosses.)
but discovery is not altogether unpleasant : )
(// - maaaybe a couple of ticks.)
***
i've been trying to upload my one photo of the campus map, but the operation wastes no time in crashing my browser. something somewhere must be feeling delicate. not that you'd need the directions, SC! soon enough you'll know the paths like lines on your palm, or as merer mortals might mollify, like the back of your hand. bye.
evelyn at 5:44 AM
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Law, Like LoveLaw, say the gardeners, is the sun,
Law is the one
All gardeners obey
To-morrow, yesterday, to-day.
Law is the wisdom of the old,
The impotent grandfathers feebly scold;
The grandchildren put out a treble tongue,
Law is the senses of the young.
Law, says the priest with a priestly look,
Expounding to an unpriestly people,
Law is the words in my priestly book,
Law is my pulpit and my steeple.
Law, says the judge as he looks down his nose,
Speaking clearly and most severely,
Law is as I've told you before,
Law is as you know I suppose,
Law is but let me explain it once more,
Law is The Law.
Yet law-abiding scholars write:
Law is neither wrong nor right,
Law is only crimes
Punished by places and by times,
Law is the clothes men wear
Anytime, anywhere,
Law is Good morning and Good night.
Others say, Law is our Fate;
Others say, Law is our State;
Others say, others say
Law is no more,
Law has gone away.
And always the loud angry crowd,
Very angry and very loud,
Law is We,
And always the soft idiot softly Me.
If we, dear, know we know no more
Than they about the Law,
If I no more than you
Know what we should and should not do
Except that all agree
Gladly or miserably
That the Law is
And that all know this
If therefore thinking it absurd
To identify Law with some other word,
Unlike so many men
I cannot say Law is again,
No more than they can we suppress
The universal wish to guess
Or slip out of our own position
Into an unconcerned condition.
Although I can at least confine
Your vanity and mine
To stating timidly
A timid similarity,
We shall boast anyway:
Like love I say.
Like love we don't know where or why,
Like love we can't compel or fly,
Like love we often weep,
Like love we seldom keep.
-- WH Auden
i'm not sure why i put this down. i don't get all of it, and most of what i get just leave me feeling a little helpless. but perhaps you will feel more for it.
evelyn at 7:29 AM
emma, you lucky thing! i feel ancient, technology has abandoned me! the webcam's magnetic and white and rather like a floorball and, and, it's a ZOOmoo. your favourite hangout.so i guess i won't be videoconferencing anyone. hurhur. what difference does it make anyway!
evelyn at 6:22 AM
Sunday, August 13, 2006
i am beat. i have lost my appetite for the first time in a year. the weather was kind and in spite of poor organization the race was enjoyable enough. i'll never distract myself thanking the road marshall again, tripping over my wheels was kind of crazy. need to check clearer waters out, the ecp is so gross. there were quite a few familiar faces all around today, nice. good to know we're all out and about!noopne stopped me from badgering the pushcart lady!
hey now i remember what i'd wanted to say. besides looping tu es petrus in my head (pamugun didn't work nearly as well, it interfered with the breathing rhythm) and training my eyes on my miserable shadow i think there was pride in being young and alive and able and not having to wear crazy limbguards and just hopping on and plunging. i like being the unremarkable twenty-something who turns no heads and illicits no gasps as she does her own thing, quite unlike that retired warrior still on the road and inviting marvelling gazes. nah this is just my little celebration of youth.
yeah school's in! not for me, though. for those not in the know, am hk-bound and since term starts in sept i won't be leaving till then. in the meantime i'll have to get used to everyone else studying without me. i'm quite sorry i won't be there to break the new campus in with the rest, but hey, i guess it's just not my time : ) dropped by the other day though, it's cosy and i'll be looking forward to final year. like i was musing this headachy afternoon, going to school without everybody will take some getting used to, but.. but it's cool. i like how this phrase finishes sentences that i'd rather not (for whatever reason, reticence, laziness, etc.). like a conversational copout.
and so the holidays trickle to their end. i apologise for all this repetition you're seeing here - nothing much is happening i'm afraid. i'm ticking off the last of activities i've lined up for myself. there is a mild sense of accomplishment in doing so, coupled with.. see, coincidences. itunes shuffles to Chasing Dreams (yukie nishimura) on the piano just as i'm thinking, coupled with mild regret that i could have done even more.. hung out with my mom, read more or even played more piano perhaps. the crazier thing is that i couldn't actually recognise the piece, i just felt this urge to check whatever was playing.. i shan't bother explaining why it's weird in particular that piece came on, this paragraph's meandered enough. now that i'm paying attention, the rest of the emo stuff is driving me nuts.
evelyn at 9:15 AM
Thursday, August 10, 2006
sigh. that's all i can think of saying. my sister must have been in the room some time today - her scent wafts and lingers. oh, that dratted perfume. this will be the only time i willingly speak of it. i've had the softest spot for weekenders but no reason to get any. up till now, but you won't catch see me shopping. see how leaving does strange things?things are getting on so swimmingly, but this is what it's like, our leaving creates impetus to make things good. since i don't suppose we can eat our cakes, i'll be happy mine's suddenly looked a whole lot more tempting balancing on my palm. i've worked for this slice and so i'll be pleased i've got it. (and i am, i am.) after yesterday's hour-long smiley chat, i'm a whole lot more hopeful. newer goals - aren't they all it takes sometimes?
so, i guess i'd like to go.
evelyn at 7:38 PM
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
More on being home - life's definitely back to normal. sunday prac haha.latenight singalongs with impoverished itunes library. recommend new music please, reader!
am far too territorial. the only reason why i bike at the park while showers threaten is simply because i can. while we're at this, someone needs to explain why the concrete paths are for cyclists and tarmac for joggers. i want to do the ubin thing again, but preferably someplace else. wherewherewhere to power up muddy slopes? as you can tell, i'm kind of pleased i've learned get around with my seat raised (so i'm ready to look notsosquat in photos)
world on sale! how rich i feel!
i've whiled the WHOLE morning away and it feels goooood. mmmmmm.
***
not stressed anymore! things sort of fell into place, i wasn't copping out of a tight deadline! yeah, that deranged comment was me, surprise!
for the past couple of days, in vain attempts to get down to work i've switched my msn status back to Swotting - first time in three months! so when i saw myself replying "s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s-t-r-e-s-s yeah see how one kind leads right on to the next." superquick to messages i was puzzled as hell and fleetingly i thought, hey someone's hacked into my comp, and felt mac-guilty by reflex. come on, haha. besides, i was busier surfing yahoo auctions. the best buys surface when you haven't time to check them, i swear! so when that happened AGAIN this morning i went through the SAME oh-no-someone's-hacked-my-lappie/heck-the-lappie-hacker dismissal routine, before realizing that whole chunk was my adium autoreply during exams..
sigh my reactions are so conditioned, i am so lazy, how could i have doubted apple, i should stop shopping, i was obviously crazy during the exams, hey it's been a while since we've taken them.. ooh.
evelyn at 8:42 PM